I get completely British when the sun comes out. I must be outside. I must be having fun. I. Must. Make. The. Most. Of. The. Day.
It sends my pretty laid back husband spare. I think I’ve started to manage it well though. Hint of a sun on the weather app, and I’m making elaborate plans for how to spend the day. The key is not to tell him. So I pack the bags up, prepare the food, the night before. I surprise him with breakfast, casually mention what we could do now, and before he know it, the three of us are outside by 10am, having some organised fun. With only a minor meltdown if the big man suggests something spontaneous (or moves too slowly).
Today is the first day that the sun has come back out in a while. And the big man’s cousin and family are staying with us, so I’ve bought a mountain of picnic food, a new picnic basket, and I’ve planned my outfit and where to go, and exactly how and when we will have fun.
Instead of all that, I’m sat in my pyjamas by the cot while everybody else gets ready to go out. The “bed” I made on the floor of the nursery is by my feet, and I’m hoping that I don’t spend tonight there as well. The little man is sick. I’m a bit sick. So everybody will go out, and I’m just hoping to get to sit in our yard in the sun in peace for maybe half an hour while the little man sleeps.
We had a great holiday 2 weeks ago. We had a great bank holiday weekend at friends. I am trying very hard to remember that in a child based world you can’t rely on any plans; and we’ve just had a good run of it.
But I’m going to allow myself to be sad for 10 minutes for the day I thought I’d have. And sad for how ill my poor little man is again. And to feel guilty that I don’t seem to be able to keep him from the bugs. And to feel worried about how we’ll manage work and a sick child again this week.
The sun is out, and I dream of a laid back life in floaty clothes, with unlimited money and a satisfying career which somehow takes up no time. And, above all, a little man without a raging fever and night terrors. I know that I am so lucky, in so many ways. But today, I’m sad.