- It’s perfectly acceptable to roll your eyes at a member of staff as they leave on a Thursday if they turn down your Friday morning meeting request. If they remind you that they aren’t being paid for a Friday, that by the end of Wednesday they had already worked their hours so it’s a bloody miracle they’ve been arsed to come in on Thursday at all, talk with pride about your son’s Saturday swimming competition that you missed. Or how much your wife resents your working hours. That’ll incentivise your “girls” to work harder.
- “It’s going to be such hard work, balancing your home life and the office. Why even bother?” This is fine, as long as it’s followed by a laugh to show that it’s totally, totally, obviously a joke. The more senior you are giving these jokes, the better.
- The glass ceiling does not exist. Glass implies subtle and invisible. The ceiling is made of concrete. Ugly, prefab, concrete. Your job, as a pale, male, stale manager, is to reinforce it.
- Obviously accept any requests for flexible working. This is a modern, inclusive workplace after all: remember your vision statement. But also remember that any adjustment to workload to reflect reduced wages can only be agreed by the unicorns (no, no, not the unions. Unicorns. Only the unicorns).
- You must tell any woman returning from maternity leave that she’s looking well. Preferably while looking her up and down to make it 100 per cent clear that “well” means she’s lost a socially acceptable amount of her baby weight.
- The average length of time between children is almost 4 years. Make sure you talk about this loudly to any mothers of toddlers. If you’re not sure whether they’ve got the point, see point above about how to properly look them up and down.
- Mothers working for you are, no doubt, having a hard time. There’s childcare to deal with, sleepless nights, husbands to look after. Look after them by making sure you don’t give them any work that’s too demanding. They’ll thank you in the long term.
Happy International Women’s Day people. Keep fighting the good fight.